Good morning Ladies and Gentleman.

This is your captain Banta Singh welcoming you to Punjab
Airways.
We apologise for the four day delay in taking off owing to
bad weather
and some overtime I had put in at the bakery.

This is flight one two six flight to New Delhi. Landing in
Delhi is not
guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in East. And if
luck is in our
favour, we may even be landing on your village!

Punjab Airways has an excellent record for safety. In fact
our safety
standards are so high that even the terrorist are afraid to
fly with us.

It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over
50% of our
passengers have reached their destination.

For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways have
all the
equisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our
Stewardess
Bubbly will be happy to brief you on our out of court
settlement
policies.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request,
we can
arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth
pleasant and
memorable, we serve complimentary tea adn biscuits. For
our religious
passenger, we are the only airline who can help you find
out if there
really is a God.

We regret to inform you that today's in flight movie will not
be shown
as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our
movie buff,
we will be flying right next to Air India where their movie will
be
visible from the right side of the cabin window.
There is no smoking in this airplane. Any smoke you see
in the cabin is
only the early warning system on the engines telling us to
slow down.

Life jackets are positioned under your seats and free
bathing costumes
are made available to the aunties and swimming shorts to
the uncles for
emergency jumps. In order to catch important landmarks,
we try to fly
as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go
a little
close do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes
flies right
through the landmark.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for
take off and
fasten your belt. For those of you who can't find a seat
belt, kindly
fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those
of you who
can't find any seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a
flight
attendant for your suitcase.

Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have
to attend my
nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home
and help yourself to
the cockpit. Thank you for choosing Punjab Airways.

HAVE A NICE JOURNEY!